Confession Session: I fear rejection
You might be thinking "Charissa EVERYONE does!" But it's different for me. The fear of rejection controls what I do - and don't do. It's like a wall between me and everyone that I love and care about.
Example: I don't like doing visits to potential club locations... It is one of the worst things that I have to do. I walk up to a completely unfamiliar place and go inside to talk to someone I've never met. I understand that when and if they say no it isn't personal - but it feels that way. It feels like I am going to drop dead on the floor right in front of them if they say no.
Example: I don't like making new friends.... I know that is hard to believe but there is just TOO many opportunities to be rejected. I am very weird. VERY weird. I sat here trying to think of how to describe myself to you but I just can't think of anything. The first thing that popped up in my head was "Grandma in a 21 year old body...." then "Quirky kindergarten teacher" just mash those too together and that's what I am like on the inside. You can't let new people see that much crazy all at once - otherwise they will just run away!
I have a hard time believing that new people will like me. I have thoughts like "I'm pretty sure they hate me." or "Why am I so dumb?!" or "I wish I just knew what they want me to be like - that way I can't be rejected". Most people would probably deny having thought any such things upon meeting me but I can't help but think it would be better if I just stayed at home and watched Netflix.
Like an awful spiral I believe the lie that I will be rejected - then I act more weird than I already am - then people don't like me and reject me - further confirming the lie... see how it works? I guess it all comes back to what I believe about myself in the light of what Jesus thinks of me.
He believes that I am beautiful. He says I am valuable. He says that I am worth loving. He calls me his own. No matter how weird, quirky I am he wants to be around me. I am dearly and deeply loved by the King of Kings. And if I passed inspection there I must be okay here too... Sigh now if I could just believe it.
I've been thinking about this for the last couple of weeks and just now knew it was time to verbalize the lies I believe. They have less hold when you bring them out in the open. Because it's at that point you realize how untrue the statements are. I don't want to live in a world where every minute I am afraid of what people will think of me. When I realize how Jesus sees me, everything is okay. When I am accepted by the King of Kings, I don't have to be afraid of anyone else. I'll be okay. I'll be okay.
Example: I don't like doing visits to potential club locations... It is one of the worst things that I have to do. I walk up to a completely unfamiliar place and go inside to talk to someone I've never met. I understand that when and if they say no it isn't personal - but it feels that way. It feels like I am going to drop dead on the floor right in front of them if they say no.
Example: I don't like making new friends.... I know that is hard to believe but there is just TOO many opportunities to be rejected. I am very weird. VERY weird. I sat here trying to think of how to describe myself to you but I just can't think of anything. The first thing that popped up in my head was "Grandma in a 21 year old body...." then "Quirky kindergarten teacher" just mash those too together and that's what I am like on the inside. You can't let new people see that much crazy all at once - otherwise they will just run away!
Like an awful spiral I believe the lie that I will be rejected - then I act more weird than I already am - then people don't like me and reject me - further confirming the lie... see how it works? I guess it all comes back to what I believe about myself in the light of what Jesus thinks of me.
I've been thinking about this for the last couple of weeks and just now knew it was time to verbalize the lies I believe. They have less hold when you bring them out in the open. Because it's at that point you realize how untrue the statements are. I don't want to live in a world where every minute I am afraid of what people will think of me. When I realize how Jesus sees me, everything is okay. When I am accepted by the King of Kings, I don't have to be afraid of anyone else. I'll be okay. I'll be okay.
And I agree with Jesus; you're pretty amazing! Love you lots, friend! Although I can't believe you chopped me out of that picture ;)
ReplyDeleteI love you! I didn't chop you out of that picture! I had one that was just me :) silly girl!
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