Year in Review 2014

This year has been so hard on me. Why? I moved to a new city with no relatives at all. As someone in my small group mentioned “That’s crazy!” 

It was – I was only 19 and I had never lived on my own before. Ever. I was struggling with missing my family but feeling like it was wrong to miss them because I was following the Lord and I was supposed to be happy about it. Like Elsa in the movie Frozen “Conceal don’t feel don’t let them know.” That was my motto.

 My purpose in life became to survive. I didn't talk to anyone about my family or friends back home because I didn't want to let them into a spot that I was vulnerable. So I constantly hid what I was thinking, how I was feeling and soon I didn't even know the answer. I was sinking – FAST! It was like a split second before I was in a pit of my own creation. 

Let me just tell you that depression is real. I hate this about me but I used to think “Depressed? What…. Just get over it.” Ha! Ignorant little girl that was so judgmental what did you know? I’m good at hiding my true feelings all I have to do is put a smile on my face and everyone thinks I’m okay. But I wasn't. 

I was fighting depression alone. I couldn't make myself do anything – I didn't want to eat, or clean my house, or go out, I just wanted to come home and go to sleep. So that’s what I did. For at least three weeks of my life. I only ate when absolutely necessary, and I still gained weight. 

Reasons I didn't tell anyone: 1. I felt guilty. I was doing God’s will for my life. So I couldn't be depressed! I shouldn't be feeling this way – and I thought it was wrong, but I couldn't do anything about it. 2. I didn't want anyone to stop me. Because I knew that God wanted me to do this I felt like I had to keep on going.

That’s when I started to get sick. First it was an annoying cough that wouldn't go away – then I had the pinched nerve in my neck. Both of which resulted in many, many doctor and chiropractic visits. Looking through all the paperwork about 50% of the bills that I have had in the last couple of months have been medical related. I was just not getting any better. 

My medicine cabinet is full of little red Target bottles that have various medications that I have to take.  I have never before in my life been a very sick person – just this year has taken a toll on my body.

But through it all…. I found Jesus.

I learned to trust my savior more and more to lean on him through it all. I call this year the accelerated growth track. 

When I was crying and hiding wishing that the pain would end – he was there. When I was in the doctor’s office all alone or getting adjusted – he was there. When my car broke down countless times in the street – he was there. When I would lie in bed not wanting to move because life had lost meaning – he was there. When I went to pay Target for the hundredth time for medicine – he was there. When I didn't know how I would afford everything – he was there. When I tried to get better on my own and struggled – he was there. When I questioned my worth – he was there.

This year I have learned so much about myself. Who I am in Christ and how I can make an impact just by being me. I am beautiful, valuable and loved by the King of kings. I have become my own person – people know me not because of who my parents are or what my sister has done – but because of me. I realize that I love people and I need to work around them.

 I know my limitations and weaknesses but I also have learned my strengths. It takes a lot of strength to visit the bottom and rise to the top again, strength that I don’t have. Only the Lord could have brought me out of the mess I was in. I have become more compassionate, loving and kind. I have a deeper burden for the lost and calling to help reach them. The Lord has taught me to think then speak and to be respectful even when I don’t agree. He has helped me make friends and given me a mentor that I can talk to. I had to wait a long time for them – but they are the best! 

I can really attest to the faithfulness of my God. If I wasn't a Christian – I probably would have 1. Died or 2. Given up. And there were honestly times that I considered giving up or thought that I was dying. I know now that my worth is not measured in who I am or what I have done or even how I feel. My worth is in Christ – it is constant and I don’t ever have to be afraid that I will lose that.

So in conclusion…. I am not the Charissa McGraw who left Naples on a crazy adventure. I have become Charissa McGraw – dearly loved daughter of the Most High God – who has embarked on a journey with the Lord that will last a lifetime.