Ugly or not?

I'm about to be real honest.

I try to be honest whenever I write on here, but today I'm just struggling and I need to get it out. To just emotional vomit on the internet and choose to believe what God says.

Yay Jesus.

Here we go. Lol

I have always walked about hunched over. Ever since I was a teenager. I struggled standing up tall when it was easy because everyone was SO much shorter than I was. Especially at 13, when I had a growth spurt and my friends had size 5-6 feet and I had size 10.

I always heard the jokes, "Do you get enough air up there?" And insensitive ones just like that. I struggled with feeling like my height was beautiful. So I tried to hide it. I tried to mask the way I was feeling by being over confident. I hid the hurt by laughing loudly. But really I could never accept the way God has made me.

I didn't feel like I was good enough. This took a toll on the rest of my body. I just didn't care. If I couldn't be beautiful then I wouldn't try. I wouldn't try to fix my hair nice or do my nails.

These feelings of worthlessness just escalated as I got older. I started trying to dress more provocatively, wearing shorter shorts, whatever. Just to feel pretty. Because honestly I couldn't see it.

I felt prettiest when I was showing more skin.

It didn't change the fact that I still slumped over and didn't take care of myself. I still ate junk and didn't exercise. I would say the words, "I can't stand up straight." "I can't exercise." So much I believed them.

I found myself weighing close to 200 pounds. Yeah. Not a happy day.

I was overwhelmed. I couldn't do anything to save myself. That's when Jesus helped me! By Gods grace I lost almost 30 lbs! It was amazing, I honestly don't know how it happened. I felt Jesus challenge me to change the way I dressed and throw away those items that didn't please Him.

I looked different for sure, but it didn't change the inside.

I still felt fat.
I still felt worthless.
I still felt that being tall was a curse.
I still told myself I wasn't pretty.
Definitely not attractive.

I put unrealistic expectations on people. I wanted them to assure me I looked good. To encourage me that I was worth something. Even though I sought those things, I never believed them! So even if you told me that I looked beautiful, in my heart I would shake my head and agree with the lies.

I realized this August, when this feeling of worthlessness had reached its most unhealthy point. (I was thinking massively destructive thoughts. Ones if acted upon would have ended my life.) That this doesn't have to do with anything outside me. My circumstances have changed but inside I feel the same.

I felt trapped inside myself. Unable to leave this place of worthlessness.

When I brought this need to the Lord, I felt him say, "Forgive." So I did. I forgave everyone I could think of who would have affected the way I see myself. When I finished I felt a little better but there was still something lingering. The Lord said again, "Forgive."

It was at that point I realized the person I needed to forgive was me.

I had spent so many years beating myself over the head for not being what I thought I needed to be. I had wounded myself so much and I didn't even know it. I sobbed as I forgave myself for treating me so badly.

When I was finished it was like a huge weight was lifted off of me. I was finally free.

All of this to say, I need prayer. This deliverance from self hate needs to be completed in me. I've come a long way but there is still more ground to cover. This week I've been struggling. Old thoughts are tormenting me. New lies are surfacing. It overwhelms me.

But praise God! I don't have to do this alone. Jesus is going to do it in me. I don't have to. Praise God. He is doing a new thing! He is doing a new thing! Yay Jesus!