Complete

You know that feeling when your sure you have learned everything that you need to know about a certain lesson the Lord is trying to teach you? You feel like you have reached the top of that mountain and there is nothing left for him to teach you but then - he shows you that you know absolutely nothing about what it means.

Yeah... I'm getting that right now. 

He has taught me before about being complete in him. Finding fulfilment in his nature and who he is. But somewhere along the way I lost sight of that lesson. I pretended (I'm really good at that) that I was complete and I lived like I was but something was just missing. As the gaping hole in my heart widened I was confused. "Why do I feel like you aren't enough anymore? Why do I feel like I am missing a chunk of my soul?" It's because I was! I was living but I wasn't abiding in him I wasn't finding my rest in him. I was going through the motions saying that I trusted him and that I knew he knew what was best for me but in my heart I didn't believe it. It wasn't until tonight when I was shockingly reminded of what he suffered for me and how he loves me that I allowed him to complete me again. That I opened up my heart for him to be enough for me. Because honestly I don't know anyone who would do what he did. He saw my heart in its blackest state and he said "I will die for her." He chose to love me before I ever thought about loving him he decided to die for me. WHAT? That doesn't even make sense! I would not go to a prison and pick one of the dirtiest, most horrible criminal there and say to the judge "I'll take his place." And yet that is what Christ has done for me. 

When I see myself in light of what Christ has accomplished I am so small. When I look at my heart in light of his magnificent beautiful loving heart, it looks like I hate everyone. When I see my hands in his I know one thing - I do not deserve his love. I don't. Yet he decided so long ago when he died on the cross to choose me. "Yeah - I want that one. The girl about nine rows back. She's the one who hates me. Uhuh... yeah I want that one. She is so self centered and cocky. But I want her to be mine. Whatever the price. No matter the cost I have to have her. Even if the cost of her is my life." Amazing. Its amazing.  

I guess that I am finding that I truly can be complete in Jesus - I truly can live with just him. I can be truly and completely happy when I am with just him. It's amazing. It's really amazing because nothing else really matters but the fact that I am his and he is mine.