Don't fit anymore.

Life has been crazy ever since I have moved down to Naples. I won't try to pretend that I was expecting all of this to be easy - (I was...) I was completely delusional because I thought that I could just waltz back into my life here in Naples and everything be okay. Because when I visited it didn't seem that different. The fact of the matter is that it is different. My family has a new rhythm, they don't do all the old stuff they used to do. My church is different, they have notes during the service....what? and now serving coffee in the parking lot... that's definitely different.  My friends are different, guys we're all grown up now. I just don't fit like I used to. The space I used to fill is just too cramped for me now because..... I'm different.

Its funny because I wish... I wish it was the same because in some small way that comforts me. It would make me feel better knowing that I have a place in the family and in my church and friend group. Why is it that everything is so hard? I'm overwhelmed constantly by trying to fit into the old way of doing things. Some of you might be thinking "Just start over Charissa! Just jump out into the unknown." I'm not brave guys! I'm afraid of doing things differently and afraid that I won't fit in so much that I will be rejected. My biggest fear is being rejected and alone. I know I am never really alone but it feels like I am.

I have decided though that I don't want to be anyone but myself. I like being transparently me. I guess this all comes down to trusting Jesus. It all comes down to believing that he knows what is best for me. Ultimately I do believe that. I do believe that Jesus knows what he is doing - it's the everyday choosing to believe that he hasn't abandoned me and given me up for a lost cause. If I could just do that then I would be set. Here I go just rambling on about my life and struggles. I guess I'll end with Pray for me. please...?