Confession Session: Honesty is Key

I'm really struggling with feeling alone. Even though I see twice as many people in a week I feel like I don't talk to any of them. Not really. I pretend each and every day that I'm okay. It's really easy too - I simply smile -

Like this ^ and it fools everyone. I'm really good at it. But I'm not okay. I'm sad all the time. It's like a thick swamp of feelings and pain that I can't identify in the pit of my stomach. It hurts all the time. The only time that I don't feel it is when I am doing things, but when I'm alone or in a crowded room and I don't know anyone - I feel it so strongly that I crumple under it. I'm doing better than I was - a LOT better.... but I'm nowhere near okay. I keep trying to tell myself that if I pretend enough that it will actually happen, but unfortunately it doesn't work that way. The pain never goes away and the loneliness only lessens every once in a while. 

The truth is that I haven't been honest with myself or you or really anyone about how I'm feeling. It's the reason that I haven't blogged in a long time. Because I just couldn't make myself do anything. Depression is the pits man. It is just the pits. I actually made a video when I was feeling pretty down and I cry when I watch it because I am so utterly broken. But that doesn't mean I can't be used by Jesus. He's used a much more broken vessels. Its the holes in the jars that let the light shine through more brightly. And guess what? The vessel looks better when it's broken, it becomes more useful when it's like that. And it's okay if I cry - it's not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of Jesus.