My hair - and why I chopped it off!

So I got my hair cut - again. I have really been DYING to tell someone why I cut it off but no one will ask so I am just going to write about it here! haha

Left is my first hair cut of this year and right is me currently - like five seconds ago

So a couple of years ago I decided that I wasn't going to cut my hair anymore. I made a pact with myself "I'm not going to cut my hair until I get married." It was extreme, but at the time seemed like the right thing to do. So every once in a blue moon I would get my hair trimmed so I didn't look like a lion, but I didn't take any length off. This went on for two years. It got to the point where it was more than just a silly promise to myself - it became something that bound me. I was trying to fit the mold of what I thought was beautiful. Long hair with layers and a side bang that swooped with perfection. I was afraid of cutting too much. I would get nervous whenever the stylists would keep cutting the ends because I didn't want to have my hair "cut off".

It feed the lie that who I was wasn't good enough - it made my insecurity grow until I would look at myself in the mirror and wish I was someone different - that my insides would match the way I looked on the outside. Honestly the long beautifully cut hair was never me. That was the girl I was trying very hard to convince myself and everyone around me that I was.  I just wanted anyone to think that I was beautiful, didn't matter the cost to myself.

Then one day I was straightening my hair (which took forever because of how long it was) and this happened. All my top layers fell down and it looked semi decent, so I took a picture. Then after this it seemed like everything that the Lord was teaching me was about my worth.

You are beautiful, you are valuable, you are dearly and deeply loved. 

I couldn't believe it. I couldn't see how my worth wasn't based on my appearance. When you are fed a lie, by society and people your whole life it is hard to believe the truth. I wanted to believe that I would be beautiful if I didn't have long hair but I was scared. Because I didn't want to go back to being like this either. 

I feel like the short hair was something I did for people too - I was trying to be who they thought I should be so that they would LOVE me. Did it make people love me more? no... I don't think it did. So it took me three weeks - but when I went down to Naples I asked my mom to chop it off. As soon as the scissors took off two inches all the way around I felt so much better. I was almost clapping and jumping around because it was like freedom from a lie, that I have believed for so long, was just around the corner. When my mom put her finger to the base of my neck and asked, "Is this where you want the back?" I nodded and watched as she cut off four inches off. 

When she was finished and I looked at myself in the mirror - it was like a HUGE weight was lifted off of me. Yes a pound of hair and that lie that I believed, that I was only as good as I looked. The next day when I got up to go to church I looked in the mirror and I think for the first time in my life, I saw Charissa, the real me, staring at me. I didn't do the haircut to please anyone but myself. I didn't style it today and I still think it looks great. 

Look guys! It's me.... the person that I am inside finally peaking out. And without hesitation I can believe - I am beautiful, I am valuable, I am dearly and deeply loved, by a God who even though I fail him, even though I leave him, even though I'll never measure up to his standard of perfection, loves me anyway. Yes I have worth, yes I am someone who is loved, yes, yes, yes. It's all because of Jesus....