Depression is real... but so is Jesus.

So honestly I don't know how to start this. I am struggling with depression.

"WHAT??? YOU??" 

yes... me. I know I am so happy and upbeat all the time and the Lord has really blessed me with a smile that shows whether or not I am feeling happy. But if I was to be honest with you - like I am trying to be - I struggle with feeling alone, sad and worthless. Oh and hopeless too.

As I was in Warrenton last week and then home again this week, I feel like the Lord is showing me what I needed to do through 1 Peter 5. Let's walk through what the Lord is asking me to do - (warning this blog is probably going to get pretty long so if you want to abandon ship, now is a good time to do it.)

1 Peter 5:6-11

6 Humble yourselves, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you,

7 casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.

8 Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.

9 Resist him, firm in your faith knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood around the world.

10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ will himself restore, confirm, strengthen and establish you.

11 To him be the dominion forever and ever, Amen.

Let's start at the top shall we? 

6 Humble yourselves, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, -  I have a problem with Pride. I am a strong person and if at all possible I want to handle things on my own. In this situation, Jesus has been telling me that I need help. The hardest thing I have had to do this week is tell people that I was struggling with depression. I felt wrong and guilty for being depressed and I also was just upset that I was even struggling with it again. "It shouldn't be this way!" I thought - "Why is this happening again?!" So for me humbling myself is telling people about it, writing a blog post so that people know and being completely honest. When someone asked me last night how I was doing and if I was finding joy in ministry I said "Well... I am struggling with depression right now but God is faithful" - which is true! First step in having victory over depression is telling people and being humbled. Admitting that I have a problem. Sigh - it's not easy. 

7 casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. - Unfortunately I am a very worried person. I want to think about tomorrow, yesterday and I need to have a plan for everything! But life doesn't work like that and I can't have a plan for everything. Worrying lately has caused me to have really bad tension headaches - but I know that the Lord is wanting me to take things one step at a time. When you are depressed even the littlest things can be like climbing a mountain so Jesus has me counting my victories and being thankful - it is just one of the ways that I can cast my cares on him. And if you look closely at my list it is really little things - like getting out of bed, but it helps to see that I am not a total failure at life. 

8 Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. - One of the biggest things in depression is that you just want to give up. There is an overwhelming feeling of just being tired and wanting to give up. To just lie down and call it quits. Right now I am not held captive by depression like I was last year - I am mostly just having the beginning feelings that go along with it. I am praising the Lord though because he allowed me to recognize it before it got really bad and is giving me ways to help with it, but that doesn't mean that I am done. I need to take preventive measures so that I don't become captive to it anymore. So here are some that the Lord has laid on my heart - I am going to start running everyday - with the Lords help! I will also enroll in Zumba and hopefully a dance course before too long. I love to dance and I think it would really help me to just exercise and get it out of my system. I am also looking into counseling. I believe there is someone at my church who does counseling and honestly I probably just need to talk to someone about all of this. Sigh. 

9 Resist him, firm in your faith knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood around the world. - Resisting.... something that I am not super good at. I was talking to a couple of people and sharing this all with them and I said "It is so much easier to fall into something and be rescued than to have to resist it and keep walking." Maybe this isn't true for everyone but for me it is. Right now all I want to do is go home and lie down on my couch and give up. But instead I have purposed in my heart to go running even for a little while when I get home. Ugh.  I love the ending of this verse because it says knowing that others are going through this same thing. I am not alone. In talking to people and sharing with them I have found out that four out of the five people I have shared with have depression or know someone really close to them that struggles with it. I know it's silly but I really thought that I was the only one. Seriously - depression makes you feel alone and like no one knows what you are going through. Hopeless. But guess what? I'm not alone and there are others probably people even really close to me that have depression so I can take heart that I am not alone! 

10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ will himself restore, confirm, strengthen and establish you. - This is my promise. That depression isn't forever it is just for a little while - a little while could be five years - it could be 3 months - it could be a week - but it isn't forever. And after I have suffered - the God of all grace will RESTORE, CONFIRM, STRENGTHEN and ESTABLISH me. Wow what a promise! I already diagrammed this verse this week you can check it out here so I won't go through it again. But it's my promise verse. This is what Jesus has promised to me! 

11 To him be the dominion forever and ever, Amen. - Last but not least is recognizing that God knows what he is doing. He has dominion over the entire earth and he knows what is going on in my measly little life. I am seen and I am known by the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. Through all of this God is going to be glorified. Sigh. So I don't have to be afraid. I don't have to worry about it - I can just trust him knowing that he is going to be right there for me. Praise God! 

So what can you do? 

I'm glad you asked! Please pray for me - I believe that is the best thing that you can do for me. Right now at the beginning of all of this it isn't so hard to trust that God knows what he is doing but I know it is probably going to get harder. Will you pray that I will trust God more? Pray that I have renewed strength in him. Pray that I will listen to his voice as he speaks to me. Pray that I will be able to follow through with my good intentions. Pray that I won't give in the temptation to give up. 

God showed it to me like this - I am walking forward and Depression is ahead blocking my path. He does not own me or have any say in my life but he desires to destroy me. But behind me there are hundreds of hands holding me up and urging me forward past Depression. Those hands are your prayers and even if you think "Well what can my one prayer do?" Trust me it does a lot - it is probably the one hand that is keeping me upright. Honestly I can't do this alone! I need you and I need your support in prayers. 

The next thing you could do is encourage me - now I don't mean a card every day or a message every day but maybe once a month or whenever you are thinking of me you could just send a simple message or text "I'm praying for you today!" That would mean a lot to me. It seems really weird for me to be asking for people to text me or message me but I figure you won't receive unless you ask and I know that in a few months I might need that encouragement. 

Thank you for taking the time to read this. It means a lot to me. I know it wasn't easy - I love to talk and write so I know it was long. 

Thank you for being part of the hands that uphold me. I appreciate it.